So my intentions were to come to this blog today and talk about my negativity towards love but no matter how long I sat here I couldn't figure out how to make sense of any of the thoughts in my head. And the last thing I wanted to do was start the week of with a negative post. So I gave it a break and found this quote. I in the past have been through a lot in relationships. From the one I thought I loved up and moving states away out of no where to my first real heart break from the one who could never commit to me or commit to keeping "it" in his pants. Although over the years I have let those situations go. Certain things I do still carry over with me now. Like the negativity. Whenever I feel and/or assume that things are about to go South and I immediately get defensive. I am immediately filled with that anxious feeling that you get when you know something bad is about to happen and my mind somehow takes the whole situation and blows it up into something 10x worse than it really is.
But what is crazy to me is that in every other aspect of my life I am a very positive person. I can give you tons of reasons why you should follow your dreams, I can tell you how to find the positive in any negative situation and I can give you a million and one reasons why you should be smiling. I mean I rarely get upset about anything. But when it comes to my heart. I guard that thing with my life. Because I'm afraid. One too many times I've given my all to someone who was less than deserving and I've ended up being the one left wondering why. The one left hurt. But who hasn't? More than anything I'm terrified of being "run over". If I don't feel like my voice or opinion is being heard or taken seriously that literally sends me over edge. Not because I'm just trying to be a b-tch or enjoy arguing but because that is my way of protecting myself. But it shouldn't have to take that because at the end of the day it doesn't do anything but hurt me more. I'm not a negative person at all and those negative feelings are not worth my happiness or worth destroying a potential relationship with someone in the future who is actually deserving of my all.
I'm really working on living a more positive life in everything that I do.So since I have claimed this year to be the year of change for me, I've decided instead of holding on to all that negative energy I've been harboring I'm just going to let it go. Because if something isn't making you happy you change it right? I no longer wan't that negativity to affect me in any way. I know I have a lot to give and even though some may not be deserving of that, like I said before I can' let that stand in the way of someone who does. So on this cold Monday, I'm letting go of the negativity and in search of some positive love vibes. Yes its easier said that done but nothing you really wan't comes easy. Right? Now Im not saying Im going to be pouring my heart out to every man that comes my way, I still do think anyone should be somewhat guarded in a new relationship (not everyone is for you) but not to the point where you are jumping down someones throat when you don't get your way.
I probably sound like a broken record with a lot of my random love posts but I've been learning so much about myself in the past few months and blogging about it has become sort of my way of working through things. When in doubt, blog it out. Ya know?